Dear Broom

{ January 13, 2013 @ 12:32 am } · { flashback, me, the girl }
{ Comments (9) }

Dear Me – circa Jan 2012,

I wasn’t sure whether I should write this letter to you. You see, this year is going to be difficult. And inconclusive. Your future self (aka Me – circa Jan 2013) has no easy answers for you. Actually I have no answers at all.
But I decided to follow tradition and write to you anyway because despite the trials 2012 is going to bring you it will also bring you amazing gifts.
You will travel to Venice, Paris, Barcelona, Lisbon, Brussels, Scotland, Rome, and Turkey. The Girl and you will savour every one of these holidays.

You will visit Mama and Papa (by yourself) for one of the nicest trips back ‘home’ in a long time. They will shower you with love and affection and will actually acknowledge the fact that The Girl is part of your life. You’ll reconnect with friends who you’d stopped talking to because you didn’t have the strength to come out to them earlier. They will overwhelm you with how much they care for you & how little they care about your sexuality. You will also meet new friends and once again be surprised that people actually want to spend time with you! For the first time in nearly 6 years, you’ll feel ‘homesick’ after you come back from India and realize you’re homesick, not for India, but something else that you can’t quite put your finger on.

Work will be satisfying and fulfilling. You’ll continue to love your job and feel immense gratitude that the Universe led you here.

You’ll turn vegan (yes, really) and you’ll be shocked at the amount of willpower you have. Not even a bowl of lamb biryani, right under your nose, will shake it. You’ll be tempted – but you’ll stay strong. And, I know this’ll make you happy, you will lose those annoying 4 kilos you have been trying to lose for so very long.

You’ll watch 3 events at the Olympics! You’ll make some new friends and spend many wonderful weekends with your current ones too.

But… (Why did there have to be a ‘but’ in a year that has been so generous in so many other ways?)… The Girl will fall ill. She is still ill. It gets worse before it gets slightly better so don’t be too alarmed when she needs crutches to walk. The diagnosis will take forever and will be incorrect and frustrating. You won’t find a good doctor or diagnosis in 2012. But you will find both as soon as the year ends. I want to tell you that the prognosis is fairly encouraging. That she will start to get better, but that ‘better’ will be a relative term.
Stay strong and keep your spirits high. This year is going to take a lot away but will also leave you with a lot of gifts.

Love
Me – circa Jan 2013

Perspective etc

{ October 31, 2012 @ 4:30 pm } · { family, me, parents, the girl }
{ Comments (11) }

So much has changed in the mere 3 odd months since I last posted.

The Girl has been very ill for the past 2 months and is very slowly getting better. Very slowly.

So while I learn the meaning of patience – a virtue that I lack – I am also learning the meaning of perspective. Suddenly my mommy and daddy issues seem ridiculous. I love my parents but their validation of my relationship with The Girl hardly matters that much anymore.

To their credit they’ve been supportive in helping me with helping The Girl. They’ve sent medicines from India while we wait for the NHS to get their act together.

In the meantime, I’m playing the role of caregiver. It’s a role I don’t enjoy much (who does?) but find that I want to play that role anyway because seeing The Girl in pain is one of the worst things ever. Suddenly I want to do stuff like organise her pill box, buy her stuff that will ease her discomfort, take her to the doctor, make sure she’s taken all her medicines, make her green smoothies. It makes me feel less helpless – so in some ways it’s a selfish act.

At the end of the day, I’ve learned that what matters is the health of my loved ones and myself. The rest is the cherry on the icing (as long as the icing is vegan)!
Speaking of which, we’ve been almost 100% vegan for nearly 6 months now. We haven’t eaten meat at all, eaten fish once in a blue moon and a little dairy when we’ve gone on holiday. It’s been a life changing experience.

While I found myself rapidly losing inches without counting calories or denying myself food, I also learned how defensive people are about their food choices and how a lot of people react to the news of you being vegan as if you’re somehow judging their food choices. A simple statement of “I’m trying to be vegan” elicits reactions that range from the hostile “Fuck the animals – why do you care about them?” to the ignorant “What?! What’s left to eat?!” to the mocking “We’ll see how long that lasts.” to the guilty “I could be vegan but I just can’t give up the <insert non-vegan food item here>.” to the fake-concern “Where do you get your protein?” to the interrogative “Are your shoes made from leather?!”.

I’ll write a separate post on being vegan later because there’s so much to talk about.

On the bright side I’ve also discovered that a Spanish vegan dish called ‘Oven Rice’ has totally cured my cravings for lamb biryani. I have to thank frister’s husband for this AMAZING recipe – I am addicted to it.

 

Surreal

{ July 6, 2012 @ 10:30 pm } · { gaysi, me, parents }
{ Comments (14) }

This morning I was talking to my mom on the phone and mentioned that I was planning on highlighting a few strands of my hair purple for the World Pride event tomorrow. She didn’t seem too surprised or concerned and the conversation moved on to other subjects till I had to hang up because my train was headed underground.
A couple of hours ago I got an SMS from my dad telling me that my mom had been crying all day and night because I was going to walk in the pride march, so could I please refrain from telling her ‘all these things’? Then he signed off with ‘Good night. Love you and miss you.’
REALLY?
I am so angry and hurt and pissed off and angry and hurt and confused and angry and …
WHAT THE HOLY FUCK?

I responded to him and said that I didn’t think it would hurt her and that from now on I’d only tell her about the irrelevant things that happen in my life.
Then I proceeded to cry and have been welling up with tears followed by anger followed by tears.

West Highland Way: Days 2-7

{ June 8, 2012 @ 4:26 pm } · { travel }
{ Comments (1) }

We’ve been having a lovely time after the miserable walk we had on Day 1. We certainly learnt our limits and took a day off and then told our guides that we’d like to do a maximum of 6 miles a day. They are a lovely couple and are so accommodating of our spoilt city ways. One of them picks us up at about 10.30 everyday and takes us for a section of the walk. We set the pace, we stop to take pictures or just to stare at how stunning everything is and when we start to get tired we ask him to take us back. This has meant that we have been able to sleep in, we’ve enjoyed the scenery, we’ve gotten to walk to our capacity and we have a large part of the day free to drink the local ales and then lie in bed and read a novel. (I’m currently addicted to the ‘Game of Thrones series.)
Tomorrow is the last day of walking and we’re planning to skip the walk and go to a distillery instead.
What a wonderful holiday this has turned out to be.

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West Highland Way – Day 1: OMFG

{ June 4, 2012 @ 1:24 pm } · { travel }
{ Comments (4) }

Holy Guacamole! We survived the walk on Day 1, but barely. Yesterday was brutal and I nearly kicked myself for thinking that this would be doable or that I’d enjoy it. Luckily I didn’t have the strength to move my legs.
Our bags were transported to the next B&B and we had a guide throughout. We also had the option to tell the guide that we were toast and could we please just get a ride in the car the rest of the way? But we both felt like we just had to suck it up and do it to prove some idiotic point to God knows who. So we did it. 12.5 miles. We had blisters by the end of it and we came to our senses & told the guides we needed a day off. We also decided that we’d aim to walk half the distance everyday. That’s still a solid 6-10 miles a day, which I think we can manage.

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West Highland Way: Day 0 (Tired already!)

{ June 2, 2012 @ 9:14 pm } · { travel }
{ Comments (4) }

TG got back from Oz this morning and we had a sleepy reunion before we forced ourselves to get into a cab and head to the airport.
We’re now near Glasgow in a small B&B and completely exhausted even before we have walked a single mile. TG is understandably exhausted, having just returned from Oz on a 22 hour flight. I am exhausted because I went out drinking last night with friends from work and am now hungover. Totally asked for it.
On a side note, this being vegan thing is incredibly hard when traveling out of London. INCREDIBLY HARD.
My only options for breakfast in the airport lounge this morning: Crisps, oranges and grapefruit. FAIL.

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The weather for the next few days looks dubious, folks. Why didn’t I just book a beach vacation?

Wassup!

{ May 30, 2012 @ 10:00 pm } · { happyness, london, me, skinny, the girl, travel }
{ Comments (12) }

Hello amigos! It’s been a while. So let me catch you up because obviously all of you have been wringing your hands and waiting mournfully to find out what’s been happening in my life. Right?

There’s been a LOT of travel. The Girl and I have visited Prague, Venice, Barcelona, Paris and Lisbon.
We are off for a week long walk in the Scottish Highlands on Saturday. Yes. Week long. WALK. I don’t know what possessed me to book this guided walk, so don’t ask. It’s a total of about 80 miles through the West Highland Way. I’m hoping it will be one of those life-altering walks that will be made into a coming of age movie someday. Alternately, I will also be satisfied if it will be a body altering walk!
Speaking of body altering – The Girl and I have been working out with a trainer for a while now and for the first time in a very long time I am very happy with my body. The funny part is that my weight hasn’t budged much and I am still at about 65 kilos. If you had told me 3 months ago that my weight would be 65 kilos, I would have been quite depressed. But now I rarely weigh myself and when I look in the mirror I feel very happy at the sight of the woman looking back at me. I do have occasional moments of ‘ugh! Nothing fits me’ but they’re so rare that I’m not concerned.
In other body related news, I’m on my way to becoming vegan. The most interesting part? I’m not doing this to lose weight or tone down. I’ve been doing a lot of reading and podcast listening and feel like it’s the right thing to do. More on that in another post.
And last but not the least, I have bought myself a Brompton cycle and, after much deliberation, she has been christened ‘Buffy‘. The name had to be a strong female name (hence the Slayer reference) but also one that I wouldn’t want to use for any offspring I might have someday. I have started to cycle to work and back when the weather allows it and when my thighs don’t feel like jelly. Here she is:

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Hello Closet, My Old Friend

{ May 2, 2012 @ 9:43 pm } · { family, gaysi, me, the girl }
{ Comments (8) }

How long have I been out of the closet? Do I start the count from when I first came out to someone other than TG? When i first came out to my cousins? Or when I came out to my dad? Or was it when my mom was finally in the know?
As I ponder this quandary of quantifying my time outside the closet what is obvious is that I’m still in the closet depending on who I’m with or where I am.
In my general life in London I’m out almost all the time. There are times when TG and I are walking down a street that looks like it has a lot of drunks and we will let go of each others hand and walk by till we feel like we’re not going to be at the receiving end of homophobia. Or when we went to Cuba – we are just friends is what we told the immigration officers.
And I’m fine with hiding in the closet when it’s a question of safety, but tonight I had to reluctantly seek shelter in there because my parents friends were visiting me for dinner.

They are a very sweet couple and for a while I didn’t know what to do about the lesbian ‘situation’. Finally I told TG that we’d have them over and be open about living together and owning the house together and having lived together in Canada. We wouldn’t say we were queer but if they asked we’d tell them.

So they spent the evening with us and we mostly told them the truth but there were times when we stumbled upon our words and chose to tell them little white lies and it just made me feel a little dirty and a little angry with my parents.

I don’t know how people live double lives for years and years. I mean, I understand doing that for reasons of safety but to spend all your life watching your pronouns and lying about what you did and who you went on holidays with? That’s just so intensely tiring.

Listen To Me

{ February 22, 2012 @ 10:08 pm } · { me }
{ Comments (4) }

I’ve been MIA and even the best intentions don’t write posts on their own. I’ll eventually be back. In the meantime you can listen to me pontificate about the ‘Modern Family’ with Amrita from Indiequill.

No Woman No Cry

{ January 25, 2012 @ 11:53 pm } · { me }
{ Comments (23) }

A few weeks ago, while The Girl was away on yet another business trip, I was watching some mindless TV & I suddenly felt myself get really sad. It was a weird feeling, because I wasn’t really sad & it felt like I was watching my mind being taken over (fans of Harry Potter might say there were Dementors in the room) by some unstoppable force. My brain was saying, “Huh?! But there’s nothing to be sad about.” But the heart was all, “Help! The Sadness is overpowering me!”. A couple of days later I had my period, which explained a lot. Sometimes I hate being a woman. Whoever designed our bodies was a fucking asshole. Not only do we have to bleed about every month, we also get aches & pains, get bloated & feel ugly & then to top it all – we get mood swings & depression. What the fuck was this designer thinking? Was there any vetting process when this idiot was hired?

Anyway, I bring this up because, The Girl is away again today & I have my period & my back has been hurting for 3 days now & I feel fat & just 10 minutes ago I cried while watching this video:

 

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