How long have I been out of the closet? Do I start the count from when I first came out to someone other than TG? When i first came out to my cousins? Or when I came out to my dad? Or was it when my mom was finally in the know?
As I ponder this quandary of quantifying my time outside the closet what is obvious is that I’m still in the closet depending on who I’m with or where I am.
In my general life in London I’m out almost all the time. There are times when TG and I are walking down a street that looks like it has a lot of drunks and we will let go of each others hand and walk by till we feel like we’re not going to be at the receiving end of homophobia. Or when we went to Cuba – we are just friends is what we told the immigration officers.
And I’m fine with hiding in the closet when it’s a question of safety, but tonight I had to reluctantly seek shelter in there because my parents friends were visiting me for dinner.
They are a very sweet couple and for a while I didn’t know what to do about the lesbian ‘situation’. Finally I told TG that we’d have them over and be open about living together and owning the house together and having lived together in Canada. We wouldn’t say we were queer but if they asked we’d tell them.
So they spent the evening with us and we mostly told them the truth but there were times when we stumbled upon our words and chose to tell them little white lies and it just made me feel a little dirty and a little angry with my parents.
I don’t know how people live double lives for years and years. I mean, I understand doing that for reasons of safety but to spend all your life watching your pronouns and lying about what you did and who you went on holidays with? That’s just so intensely tiring.
Sig Said:
on May 2, 2012 at 11:14 pm
I feel your pain…I really wish there was an answer but at some point as well – there has to be a moment where you would need to decide (safety barring) whether YOU are ok with living out of the closet – consequences be damned. You cannot keep living your life for other people, especially when the people you’re trying to protect from getting hurt (your parents) are making you live like this.
I think to be honest, the way you handled it is how I would have as well, but I wonder, if this becomes more common and not just a once-off drop by, how many white lies will be told. And will they be white lies then?
meerar07 (@meerar07) Said:
on May 3, 2012 at 8:12 am
Install an alarm system in your house, which activates loud sirens any time someone whom you have not come out to enters. the sirens will be followed by messages saying, ‘caution, you have entered a lesbian zone’ in a machine voice. that way no one will be in any doubt;-)
seriously, you are out to all that matter. stop fretting about people you meet once in a while. you were open enough to them and did not hide TG in the back room. they know you guys hopped from country to country together and are still together. if you meet them often enough, they will figure out that you and TG are ‘close’. by this time reasonable people will accept it for what it is. if they are unreasonable, why do you care about them anyway.
meera
Broom Said:
on May 31, 2012 at 6:42 am
I wish there was an alarm like that!!
Guddi Said:
on May 4, 2012 at 3:05 pm
The safety factor is real… and so is the fear of hurting loved ones. The latter is as painful, na? stay strong, like you both have for years. Can’t shrug off the feeling that the light at the end of the tunnel seems brighter for you…Wishing you the very best..
Broom Said:
on May 31, 2012 at 6:41 am
Thank you.
Hello, Closet, My Old Friend | Gaysi Said:
on May 22, 2012 at 7:17 pm
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smartassbride Said:
on June 2, 2012 at 5:47 pm
you know, reading this blog(as a lurker) for a long time, it has made me that much more respectful of people whose choices/preferences are not widely socially sanctioned – I know this has no correlation to this post, but I no longer make jokes(nor does it seem funny anymore) about anything/anyone whose life is different from the ordinary. Thanks!
Broom Said:
on June 2, 2012 at 9:02 pm
Thank you! I’m glad.