Dementors

For the past few weeks, it’s felt like my mind’s been wading through a swamp. I can’t focus at work, I feel empty, I can’t bring myself to be happy. I start to cry at really stupid stuff. Yesterday, as I was cycling back home from work, a woman on a scooter flipped me off for no apparent reason while I was waiting for the light to turn green. I could not stop thinking about it and feeling really hurt. And I could not understand why some idiot stranger was making me so upset.
For a while I thought it might be PMS but I’ve bled and I’m still struggling.
I’m extremely fortunate that I work with some amazing people who have let me slack off at work and have allowed me to sit there staring at my laptop knowing fully well that I’m not really working. “I know how this feels”, my bff at work says to me. He suffers from depression and I can’t imagine how he has dealt with this for so many years. Just 3 weeks of this and I’m already considering sitting my wrists except that’s too painful.
The Girl is immersed in a stressful 3 month long full time training program with a deadline to meet and is understandably focused elsewhere. I feel guilty to come home and whine about my problems especially when I can’t even verbalize them.
I also feel guilty about feeling like this when I have so much to be grateful for.
Thankfully we are leaving for a short trip to India this weekend and that might just be the thing to jolt me out if this horrible state of mind.

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21 thoughts on “Dementors

  1. Deepa says:

    get well soon dear broomie. We like you all sunshiny and happy. You know it won’t help much and for long but if you like puppies/dogs watch them gamboling or playing with each other on you tube when you need a little pick me up and nothing works. I know it’s a very lame and trite advice but when I’m down in the dumps about my cancer not letting up, just for a wee while, it works for me.
    I lived with a person who was depressed all his life(my dad) who of course couldn’t help it as he didn’t know what was plaguing him until much much later so I know full well the debilitating effects of even milder types of depression leave along the Biggie types.

  2. oh baby girl you sound like me 2011 to 2013. hugs. therapist? thats what cured me. and yes if you’re in the vicinity of daaali, tell me. i’d love to meet in person =)

      • GOOD. =) and if you’re not comfy with therapist, walk away and find another one k? sorry if im being all patronising and acting like you don’t know how to think, but sometimes this needs to be said!
        haan we shall meet someday. if i come to lunnon also, which is long overdue =)

  3. S says:

    Hi Broom – Hugs! The black cloud of depression has been upon me on and off for a very long time. And i am feeling it this last week or so again. And I just cant tell why this feeling of doom and failure when everything is going so well otherwise. I hope you feel better soon. I hope we all find our way out of this. Have a wonderful sunny vacation.

  4. Heyyyy Broom…..good to see you back. I’ve really missed you. Read your post and my first reaction was OMG that’s me (except for the fulfilling work and great colleagues bit) !!! But life hasn’t been all that bad….I’ve become mom to or rather a cherub has chosen me to be her mom and life outside work is beautiful…as I discover sides to me which I never knew existed. Do mail me and I’d love to tell you the whole tory and you are just going to love Taru. Is Delhi on your travel plans ?

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